When I was a little kid, I loved every movie, even the bad ones. Is this picture the harmless equivalent of a cinematic babysitter? Sure. Photo credit: Lionsgate Home Entertainment Jackie Chan and Alina Foley star in Brain Levant’s The Spy Next Door. They all hate Bob because he looks like a geek, which prompts their love-struck mom to declare, “I deserve happiness too.” Her son, Ian (Will Shadley), pouts, “I hate it when old people have feelings.” Of course, Bob is ultimately forced to reveal his true identity, thus winning over the kids. She’s raising three beastly brats who all speak as if they’re sitcom characters in a failed pilot. He plays international spy Bob Ho, who’s on loan to the CIA, and disguises himself like an Asian Clark Kent while in public, where he falls for single mom Gillian (Amber Valletta). Though Jackie Chan may be a spectacular physical comedian and a seasoned crowd-pleaser, he can only do so much with this creatively bankrupt material. “Spy” is headlined by an equally gifted leading man with a specialty for turning dreck into…well, at least watchable dreck. The main reason I fell for “Beethoven” upon its initial release was because: a.) I was the age of its intended target audience, and b.) the film starred the woefully underrated Charles Grodin, whose deadpan timing and genuine warmth were allowed to shine through the mind-numbing slapstick. Over the last decade or so, director Brian Levant has specialized in making some of the most crass, annoying and audience-insulting films ever to be aimed at an audience under the age of 13 (they include “Jingle All the Way,” “Snow Dogs,” and the appropriately titled “Are We There Yet?”). Worst of all, the film is directed by a man whose last halfway decent family flick was 1992’s “Beethoven.” Rarely has a mainstream release looked so much like Amateur Hour. They’re forced to recite dialogue credited to three writers who are incapable of writing a single line of wit or originality.

CHICAGO – “The Spy Next Door” pairs a man who can’t speak English with three kids who can’t act.

Beethoven babysitter